In these houses, high value is placed on achievement. I think the way these kids are made sends the message: “You’re not good enough. You need to get. You are not accepted. “
When children struggle, it is especially devastating. Some babies have disabilities from being born prematurely, which used to be a major risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes, parents choose an egg donor and then later find out that she has a mental illness. Then the child is seen through that lens, which can be very destructive and painful: “Your donor is nuts, so you must be too.”
The child grows up feeling very different, knowing they were an experiment but not getting the support or acceptance they need to thrive. Because there is no caregiver who says “I understand you.” There is no such thing.
In my work, I help parents accept: this is the child you have. And I help children accept the reality of their parents and build a relationship that’s less painful — or build a life without them.
Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes simply explaining that “you and your child are not the same person” does the trick. Or say a teenager doesn’t feel loved. I may need to make it clear to them that “love” is not a tangible feeling, like a pinch or a kick. It means someone feels love for you like you feel love for Legos or drones.
In high school, many teens are connecting with half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes those who live across the world. It is common in these families to have different egg donors for different children as they try to have a sporty son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children meets and bonds with their half-siblings, while your other child doesn’t have a good experience with their new relatives? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?
I really feel for the mothers. They are trying to balance everyone’s expectations and hold it together. But it is also unfair to fathers. Because I’m not sure that dad can accurately predict human behavior. They can probably predict stocks, but there are too many variables in human behavior. I don’t know if anyone is making sure that parents understand that they can’t check out a child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The child is going to rebel. If you have a preconceived notion of how they’re going to be, you’re either going to be terribly disappointed or you’re going to push them into a mold and it’s not going to work.
Maybe sometimes it works, but those people don’t come to me.
-As told to Amy Neitfeld
